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Dear Diary, 1/18/2014

So I just got done reading all my old posts…. I can’t believe I fell for Tanner in the first place. All the signs that he wasn’t the one were right there from the very beginning. Man, growing up sucks. I see things I’ve never seen before and I hate it just a little bit. I wish I could stay naive. Makes things a bit easier. To start off, Tanner left me. Lol Shocker, I know. But that was a few months ago. Like a week before my birthday. I haven’t talked to him in months either. Eh. Like I don’t really miss him, I miss the relationship.
Also, since I’m single, I’m living the single dream xD since I’m spending money only on myself I’ve been able to do so much more. I already have a lot of things lined up to do this year. I’m doing the Color Run in Chicago with my best friends and  staying the weekend there. Then I’m going to be getting my new car. THEN around my 21st birthday this year, Ill be jumping out of a plane! AND FINALLY, to end the year right, I’m going on a trip to Vegas in November with my best friend and her parents! I’m so excited! Being single has its advantages. I don’t have to worry about anyone else but myself xD

However, something in the relationship part has popped up. Ummmm “Steve” got ahold of me again. We’ve been talking and I feel he has matured more. However he is still with his Bitch wife who trapped him into having a baby cause she stopped taking her birth control….. so nothing relationship wise is happening until he divorces her. He actually wants to have a relationship with me though. A real one. Im shocked and curious. So I think I moght head down that road eventually. For now though, he is a great uh bed buddy? I can’t wait for him to come visit me because its been like 3 months and that is the longest I’ve ever been without a safe bed buddy cause I DO NOT sleep around. Ugh so yea. Steve might actually have potential after all. I’m not getting my hopes up though.  Been there done that.

Anywho I gotta get ready for work :/ woooo!

05/06/13

Dear Diary,

Again, I seem to be neglecting you, and for that I’m sorry. Just been extremely busy with working two jobs and apartment hunting. It’s been pretty hectic especially with my car acting up on top of it all. I really haven’t had time to think and express.

Well first thing I’d like to say is DAMN! lol This is the week that Tanner and I have been together for 2 years :D and I’m super ecstatic!!! Everything is so amazing and I wouldn’t change it for anything. He’s pretty darn awesome:)

On another note, I’ve been kinda down in the dumps lately too….. and I don’t want to be. At all. I’ve been having baby-fits…. and not tantrums but like I want to have a baby…. I mean I’m not ready! Like at all, mentally, financially, and not married. Yea, not happening any time soon, but I find myself jealous all the time of mothers and their children…. A lot of my peers from high school are married now and either have children or are expecting. I’m insanely jealous too… I shouldn’t be but I am. I want that. Most out of life.

To be a mother, to have someone look up to me for guidance, love and protection. I want that. I want a family with all the drama it comes with. I want to be able to say that’s my girl, or that’s my boy. I want to be able to things with them and give them the best life possible. I want a family of my own. 

and I’m scared…….what if that doesn’t happen. Girls in my family have been known not to be able to carry to a full term……What if I am one of those that can’t have children…… Yea there’s adoption but I so desperately want one of my own. I’m so scared of it all. God, I’m rambling…. on a brighter note, I know that in time, I will have the answers. I will have a family. No matter what. It will take time & patience and LOT’S of it but when the time comes that I am ready, I will be grateful that I waited. GAH!!! Stupid baby-crazy talk….. need to lock myself in a closet….

Dear Diary,

So it’s been quite a while since I have wrote in my my virtual diary. A lot has happened in the past few months. First off, tanner and I are going to be getting our own place by the end of February hopefully. I am super excited! I’ve been waiting for this for a long time and it will be nice to the wake up next to him every single morning and I’m going to be able to come home to him every single night. Soon hopefully will be able to pick out our furniture and stuff for the kitchen & bathroom. It’ll be great overall:) Another pretty amazing thing happened um Steve, you remember him? Well he is uh divorcing his wife and he is moving back to the area. I’m very proud of him. And I’m very proud of myself. We ended up talking a lot about our past and I can honestly say that I am completely over him:) he even apologize for everything. I believe he was really sincere. I told tanner about it that he apologized to me. At first he was jealous but he understands now that I no longer am in love with Steve put that I’m in love him, tanner. I mean starting a life together. And moving in is just the first step. I hope we’re together for a long long time :-) EDIT: I was looking thru my other entries and realized that I forgot to tell you that Tanner said those three little words! I had asked him why he wanted to move in with me and he said that I should know. However I didn’t know & I told him so. He’s like well I love you. he said it all shy and junk. It was super cute :-) and when he said it my heart did those little flips and my stomach has butterflies. It was like perfect. I can’t believe he’s mine♥

→ WhitneyMarie♥: I Need Help....

whitneyheartsyou:

The other night my boyfriend of a year and a half And I were talking when things got a little serious. See it was his birthday and I ended up working all day with the hopes of spending the night with him….What was said has stayed in my mind since then… I’m not quite sure what to do now…. this is…

Well Damn, 7-11-12

Dear Diary,

WELL, I haven’t been on this in a long while. Things have been sorta hectic. I’ve made quite a few changes to life. First off, I’m done with college. Not completely but just for a little while. I need to get off the ground before I start burying myself in debt. If i could win the lottery I would have a much easier life.

Anywho… I’ve been with Tanner for about 1 year and 2 months. annnd we ended up talking about the whole “I love you” thing…He asked me if it bothered me that we don’t say I love you since we’ve been dating so long….

He knows my feelings for him. They aren’t changing… not any time soon. He told me that he has almost said before…because i guess he’s happy most of the time. but he hasn’t yet…. I told him I would rather him not say it at all until he means it rather than him saying it and NOT meaning it.

It’s just really tough. It’s all that’s on my mind. From when I wake up til when I go to work, when I’m playing games, or just before I fall asleep. 

I wanna say it…. but i want to wait for him. You first, Babe<3 

or will the words never come? they say good things to those who wait but just how long do i have to wait?

Dear Tanner,

I normally write to my diary but I fear that that’s not enough at the moment. Tanner, I want to let you know that these last 8 months have been amazing. You’ve showed me things I’ve never seen before. I’ve finally done things I’ve wanted to do and how and you helped me with that. You’ve held me while I was happy, and while I was sad. You’ve treated me like none other has ever treated me, like a person. And every month you’ve made me fall more in love with you…. Not intentionally but you did…. Tanner, I love you and I want to let you know that it kills me everyday knowing that our relationship isn’t going anywhere. That you don’t feel the same way about me….. Whats even worse is that I can’t break up with you because I some how have an pinch of hope left that maybe you’ll fall in love with me too. That’s all I want. I just want to know If I’m wasting my time with you…. You mean so much to me that it hurts…. It’s the only thing on my mind lately…. I can’t think of anything else….. I know there is a slim chance you’ll read this which is ok. I just needed to let it out so I’ll say it, Tanner, I love you. Sooooo yea. That’s it. Yours until then, Whitney

1-21-12

Dear diary,
Well I made a mistake today. Lol I accidentally said I love you to tanner. It was very unintentional. Like I didn’t mean to say it, it just kinda fell out of my mouth. Then when I realized I had said that, I covered up by saying you’re so silly…. I think he bought it idk… I have just tried not to bring up my whole feelings for him thing… I don’t want to scare him off or make him feel uncomfortable… As soon as it was out of my mouth I wanted to say shit… Lol I was even kinda embarrassed and scared when I said it. I think my face even turned a new shade of red I’ve never seen before. Thank god i could hide in the pillows.
What would happen if I just let it out there? Like just say it and let him here it. What would happen? Any guy advice???

1-20-11

I know I haven’t said much on here lately. I’ve just been busy with the new semester at school and my job. Plus there hasn’t been much to talk about. Well now as I’m laying in my bed I finally had a chance to think and get some priorities straight.
To start off I think I’m goin to have to get a second job. This paying for school and for gas sucks. It has taken my account to zero and I hate it. I’m use to having money and now I don’t and it’s tough. I pay my own bills and now I can’t. I even had to move out of my dads house because I couldn’t pay rent anymore.
That right there was the hardest thing ever… I’m such a big daddy’s girl and it sucks that I have to leave there. My mom is letting me live with her full time and dad is only 5 minutes away but I hardly have free time to go visit so yea…. So I’m in the process if moving. I hate it lol its making me clean stuff xD lol
On another note, I found out that unfortunately my older cat from moms doesn’t like my baby kitty from dads…. So I had to find a home for my baby kitty, Ripley. Luckily my boyfriend was able to convince his mother to let Ripley stay there:D so I get to see him still:)
And in the last part of my barely functioning mind since it’s so freaking early is thinking about my boyfriend.
We’ve been together for 8 months now. And since the last incident I haven’t brought up my feelings….. I want to tell him so badly that I love him…. But I don’t want to feel rejected again…. I know he doesn’t feel the same since he told me so the last time. He loves me but isn’t IN love with me…. I don’t know how much longer I can take this being a one way thing…. I know I’m young but I believe in that everlasting love. The kind my grandparents have for each-other. They have been together 50 some years. They started dating when grandpa was 17 and grandma was 14. If they could last this long and still have love for each other than it is possible. I want love like theirs. Something everlasting and never changing….. I want Tanner to be that……. I’ve waited so long for this boy and I think it will break me if I’m not what he’s been looking for….. I want to start thinking about my future. In 10 years I want to be married and have a family in the making. If not with him then with someone else. If I’m destined to be alone then I will adopt or do that sperm donor thing lol idk. I just know I want Tanner to be the one…. Don’t get me wrong, I want to go slow. Just not excessively slow lol xD I also want to be loved just like every other teenage girl.



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